I’m usually pretty open about my diagnosis and everything I’ve been through and how I feel about it.  But 2 months ago, I moved to Portland, OR, from Connecticut and decided I was going to start over.  I began working in the emergency room at a local hospital, and I wore my wig every day, and I never told anyone what I’d been through except for my supervising physician…and I swore him to secrecy.

 When I started the job, I didn’t know when I was going to stop wearing the wig.  What I really wanted to do was to wear the wig until my real hair was as long as my wig hair, and I could just take the wig off and everyone would just think I’d changed my hair color.

 But this morning, I put the wig on and my real hair, which is blonde, was sticking out from under the brunette wig.  I tucked in my real hair as best I could and went to work, but I worried all day at work that someone was going to notice and was going to think I was a freak for wearing a wig.  And so today, I decided I was ready to come out of the closet and reveal my true self to my colleagues. 

I came home from work and wrote a letter to my supervising physicians to explain my situation to them.  It took me a long time to compose the letter, but this is what I came up with…

I’m writing this e-mail to tell you something that’s probably going to be surprising, and I wanted to make sure you heard it from me instead of from the rumor mill.

Before I moved to Portland, I underwent treatment for breast cancer.  I had 4 surgeries, 30 radiation treatments, and 8 rounds of dose-dense chemo. The chemo suppressed my bone marrow, which is how I got gram positive and MAI pneumonia in November, and ended up in the ICU in sepsis.  As you know, this delayed my start date.

I only told Dr. — about my situation, since he was my supervising physician and I thought I owed him an honest explanation for why I was moving to Oregon later than expected.

I wanted the chance to get to know you, and give you the chance to get to know me, without any stigmas attached.  The reason it becomes important to tell you about this now is because for the past 2 months I’ve been wearing a wig while I waited for my hair to grow back.  And my hair has now grown back to the point where I’m comfortable without the wig.

So…in the next few days I’ll be showing up to work not as a brunette, but as a cropped blonde.  It’s a pretty dramatic change, and I’m sure it will raise questions.  Since I’m not a big fan of lying, I’m fine with telling my colleagues and co-workers that I’ve been through chemo, but I’m not planning to share any more particular details than that.

Sorry to spring this on you, but like I said, I wanted you to hear this from me.  If you have any questions or suggestions, I’m open.

Thanks.

Sarah Thebarge

I feel really nervous about the whole thing…I am afraid that my coworkers will think I was a freak for wearing a wig, that they will feel betrayed that I didn’t trust them with the intimate details of my life, or that my colleagues who know me as a confident, capable clinician will now view me as a vulnerable, sick girl. But I’m doing it anyway.  On Saturday, my next shift, I’m going to show up to work not as a brunette but as a cropped blonde. 

Wish me luck.